Saturday, May 17, 2008

Saturday morning rambling

Nate's working, the kids are eating peanut butter on bagels and giggling at absolutely nothing... and Peter is rambling in nonsense sounds behind me :) I wish I could come up with something special to say, but nothing is coming. I feel a bit lonely with out my DH here, but he'll be home in a few hours so I'm trying not to let it get me down.

We'll be going to a cook out later to celebrate a friend's birthday. I have to say these particular friends of mine have a very special place in my heart :) and I very much look forward to spending time with them today. I keep thinking that it will be a busy afternoon with all the kids running around and then I am reminded that this time next year I'll be chasing 5... and 4 doesn't seem so bad.

I've been weaning off my depression meds because of my pregnancy and it's made things a little harder than I think they would be if I were on full meds. It's taken a long time for me to actually admit it, but I've suffered from genuine depression for a long time. It's not that sad, I'm crying depression. It's more like the, "I just want to lay down on the floor and do nothing" depression. I always chalked it up to me being lazy (which I'm sure is true too) but there are days when I just CAN'T make myself get up and do what I need to do. Unless you've been there, it's hard to understand how someone "can't" make themselves do something.

I also have up days and down days. I'll have one day where I'm feeling great and get things done, but then the next day I feel like someone put a very large weight on me and hardly anything gets done. It's a pretty regular pattern, but this past week it seems like it's just all been "down". I go to my midwife the week of the 26th so hopefully I can get something arranged then, because with four children and an awesome hubby, I just CAN'T lay on the floor all day and do nothing. I need to be able to function.

Okay, I'm done rambling. Thanks for listening.

4 comments:

MCC said...

I've dealt w/ depression since 95, but I always seem to avoid going to the DR and getting meds. Not sure what I'm worried about. I know it's help. It got bad after each baby and then really bad when my Mom died. People must be praying for me, there's no other explanation.

Hang in there. My husband worked a lot and I know that can add to it. Keep blogging, that'll help sow meaningful friendships, even if they are in cyberspace.

Mommy Scott said...

@mcc :) thanks - I definitely try to keep connected to others in cyberspace. Just this morning I had a friend online help pull me out of the funk I was in this morning.

kbs said...

When you're having one of those days remember these words:

Hello, good morning, how ya do?
What makes your rising sun so new?
I could use a fresh beginning too
All of my regrets are nothing new

So this is the way
that I say that I need You
This is the way
This is the way

That I'm learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that You and
You alone can break my fall
I'm living again, awake and alive
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies

Hello, good morning, how ya been?
Yesterday left my head kicked in
I never thought I could fall like that
Never knew that I could hurt this bad

I'm learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that You and
You alone can break my fall
I'm living again, awake and alive
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies

Some days all we can do is breathe, others we might be able to crawl. The days I love and look forward to are the ones that I do feel alive, awake, and carefree. I wish I had more of those days. It helps so much to listen to the Fly show and here others talk about their lives. Even though you may be hard on yourself, know that you have a very proud M-I-L that tells others how proud I am of you whenever I get the opportunity!

Mommy Scott said...

@kbs - :*) thank you